The indignity of DIY: Bored of Zoning Adjustments

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line - and to travel that straight line requires a crow, because crows (as is common knowledge) can only fly in straight lines and right angles. Seen from above the path of a crow looks alot like this:

This is why the original 1982 digital moving picture "Tron" uses the french word for "crow" as its namesake. Who knew? It's true.

The shortest distance to completing a building permit application is not a straight line but rather a series of inter-connected random paths. For this, a chicken is probably a better reference and fortunately DC supplies a how-to video demonstrating the proper application filing process found HERE and embedded below:

Kentucky Fried Idiot
Rocky 2 at MOVIECLIPS.com

And so it was with this approach that we filed for building permit last fall and applied for our second story addition back in late September 2010. But, this being DC and our house being a "giving tree" of broken promises we found our building lot to be in non compliance with the city's zoning code. Now, our house dates to sometime around 1900 and the cities zoning ordinance dates to about 1958... as such our house, like many others, was built before this city, and most modern cities had invented the term "zoning"and the delightful fee structure to support it. So sometime around 1900 the lot for our house was created by the most accurate means available at the time:

and was filed nowhere and promptly forgotten. As zoning codes were invented our lot and most others too narrow for classification were just sort of left off the books as well - coded as "800" lots and punted to later generations for verification. Any additions or expansions need to be dealt with via the user friendly process of ZONING VARIANCE and SPECIAL EXCEPTION UNDER SUB HEADING 223. for which you need one of these:

subtle

And a public presentation in front of the Board of Zoning Adjustment after 4 months of filing review. This is played out live via DC public access television for all to see and I assure you carries all of the excitement and suspense of a crime drama cross examination.

"This meeting is called to order, Mr. Cooke what do you have to say for yourself about this Zoning Variance?"

"Now you're talking zoning variance and I'm talking special exception"

"Well Played sir"

"..and might I add you look radiant in black, and not at all like you're hiding a pregnancy"

"Oh Mr. Cooke..."

*Whip-crack noise*

APPROVED

This path gets straighter every day

2010, a year that wasn't: "Into each life some rain must fall"

that's what she said

The words of Mr. Longfellow certainly ring true, as the harsh light of the changing season reveals that our renovation progress is at a near stand still (again). Lousy smarch weather aside, we've been on hiatus for over a year and it has been difficult to re-motivate lately as the snow is beginning to pile up again. Our last significant project was completed about mid December 2009 and we set down our tools and focused our efforts towards completing our plans for the eventual permitting and major construction of the second story addition and new kitchen. Spring 2010 we decided to save everything we could, nail down the construction bid set and get in and out of the DC permit office. but our focus on parsimony was immediatly undone as I took off for Montana and Alli left for the south of france to cook dinner for someone else in a Barn.

cherchez la fromage

We also had a lot of snow...

The snows were 1.5 turkish-units (TU) deep

...and generally used any excuse possible to keep from getting the house dirty again. All the lights work, all the pipes drain and - generally - everything functions like it should, the prospect of major construction on the horizon is a little exhausting but can be avoided no longer.

The major work ahead is to turn the current "kitchen" into an actual kitchen amidst a second floor addition - complicated and rather time sensitive work that we will be subcontracting. to review, here is the current kitchen featuring approximately 1 TU of counter space - two working burners, and 4 drawers of storage:

We've made this work for 4 years but we're ready to move on. The plans are in a constant state of negotiation and even today still bear the scars of repeated redesign effort:

this is a "construction document" and an exhibit for divorce proceedings

And we have begun to pull together some appliances - including this slightly overscaled refrigeration unit obtained via craigslisting. Weighing somewhere around 19 TU it was a miracle this thing fit through the door.

probably not in this case

Safety first; a retrospective in handrailing

Well, it's been a long time coming. We have finished the handrail along the stairs. It's been about three years since we put the stairs in place and we finally have the handrail. Not unlike a first communion or an 8th grade graduation, this is a momentous time - so we look back through the magic of digital photography to relive the experience.

March 2007 - construction stairs went in weeks prior and remained in place for... well about 3 years.

March 2007 - one week later - the open stairs allowed alot of flexibility and were helpful in hanging a piñata from the dining room ceiling.

I think we know where this is going...


Yep.

and... it seemed like a good idea at the time

It was October 2008 before we finally got around to finishing the drywall, and i set about making the most amazing scaffold out of a ladder, a 2x8 and a half used bucket of joint compound

OSHA be damned

Summer 2009 - We became very comfortable in our unfinished ways.

But eventually by October 2009 we found all the final pieces, mocked them up and...

...promptly found a competent carpenter to put them all together

I did none of this

Once more unto the breach; a return to familiar ground

september 2009 that will buff right out

Before explaining the mess above, let me take you through the easy upgrades around the outside of the house. We made small stones out of larger stones to make a edging wall...

modern man gardens with the tools at hand

And we continued to make bad wires safe.

But the major work happened inside, as it always does, right in the middle of our livable area. This time we set our sites on the Master suite. Astute readers are quick to point out that this was the last place we were ever going to touch. We had staged our lives to allow the house around us to fall while the bedroom remained safe, clean and someone civil. If a house be a man's kingdom then certainly the bed be his throne (well at least a close second). And this was supposed to be the safe place. But sooner or later poor judgements and impulses can get the better of anyone and this throne room was looking damn nasty one day:

that panelling had to go

and so it did

fin. well, almost fin. just a little more paint...

renovations pending; the life pursuit

Hiatus is the appropriate term, a "break" sounds... well, accidental and I was never comfortable with the word sabbatical outside of a university setting or the pipe-and-slippers crowd. So a hiatus it is or rather was and it was a good one at that. But like a college pregnancy or the hangover that precedes... this was unplanned. We had high hopes for this summer like the years before with plans to tear into more complicated house work but instead we did this:

And this:

I'm a boat

and we learned the true value of our pick-up truck under the clause of clunker, or at least one of us did.

don't look back in anger

and we began to spread the love by helping out others. I helped this guy:

turn his bathroom into this:turnabout is fairplay

But the summer does end, and not unlike the television network's summer break, our hiatus drew to a close. So we look forward to this new season of home renovation not unlike the comfortable return to network prime-time broadcasting - like a warm hug from some returning relative to be captured on the film of our reality TV friends.

hearts